Life Humor 2.8

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

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In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

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From Harper's Magazine:
  Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75

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Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:

   NEW
 IMPROVED
 Made the old
 fashioned way

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On a story about the discovery of a 20-million-year-old bear-dog den:
    "Den of Antiquity Uncovered"

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Did you hear about the gallant lady in Peru who saved a drowning man from a lake, fell in love and got married before the Inca was dry.

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From Robert C. Cumbow's "Pardon Me Roy, and Other Groaners":

A publisher was dismayed at the manuscript for Robert Louis Stevenson's "A Child's Garden of Verses."  He'd contracted for a children's book, of course, but he was appalled that Stevenson had delivered a volume of poetry.  "It'll never sell," said the publisher, and informed Stevenson that he was backing out of the contract.  Stevenson, however, gently reminded him that he had no leg to stand on.  "After all," said the author, "I never promised you a prose garden."

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Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."

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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.  The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.  The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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Q:  What's the difference between Xerox (Or pick your favorite organization) and the Titanic?
A:  The Titanic had a band.

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There is no statute of limitations on stupidity

The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero

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     Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.  When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?"  What do you mean NO TICKETS?" the women waiting on him smiled sweetly.  "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied.  "Which word didn't you understand?"

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     A normally sweet Great Dane, Pail has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.  While walking Pail one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.  Struggling to keep hold of Pail, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."  "Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

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     One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping, Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

     "Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter.  Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable.  Love, Dad."

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One women is never happy when she has to wait in line, and people who try to squeeze in front are a special sore point. One day a young man at the supermarket stepped up to her just as she reached the checkouts counter.  "Mind if I go ahead?" he asked.  "I just have this one can of dog food." "Goodness, no," she roared, "If you're that hungry, go right ahead!"

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Guidelines for good writing from a recent Omni article:

-Subject and verb always has to agree.
-Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
-It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
-Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.
-Avoid cliches like the plague.
-Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and should be thrown out the window.
-Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
-Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
-Consult a dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling.
-Don't be redundant.
-Don't repeat yourself or say what you have said before.
-Remember to never split an infinitive.
-The passive voice should not be used.
-Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
-Don't use no double negatives.
-Proofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
-Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
-Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
-Avoid colloquial stuff.
-No sentence fragments.
-Remember to finish what

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