Monday, March 25, 2013

Henry Cate Life Humor 1.6

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

----------

 A man who was really drunk calls his wife for a ride home from the bar.  
 Wife: "Where are you?" 
The man steps out of the phone booth and looks at the corner where he is calling from, goes back and picks up the phone and says:
 "At the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK."

----------

A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down. He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine.
About this time a horse wanders up to a near-by fence, leans over and peaks under the hood.  The horse looks up at the man and says "It's the carburetor."
The man does a quick double-take and replies,  "What did you say?"
"I said it's your carburetor."
So the man turns and runs away.   Soon he comes upon a farmer and flags him down.
"My car broke down back there and when I opened the hood this horse comes over and starts TALKING to me!"
"What he say?" the farmer replies calmly.
"He said it was my carburetor!"
So the farmer says, "Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know  anything about carburetors."

----------

It seems that there was a magician type booked on a cruise ship as the entertainment.
Well in some part of his act he had a parrot do some parrot tricks and the rest of the time the parrot was supposed to sit on his perch and be quite as the entertainer did the rest of his show.
At one point the magician produced a bunch of flowers out of thin air at which time the parrot said "Squawk! They were up his coat arm".
Well this did not make the magician happy, but on to the next trick.
The magician made his assistant vanish from under a cloak. One again the parrot pipes up and says "Squawk! Trap door, trap door".
Well as one can guess the show did not go over very well.
If this was not bad enough late one night the boiler blew up sending most of the crew and passengers into the drink.
As luck would have it the magician found that he was holding onto a piece of drift wood and who do you suppose was on the other end? That's right the parrot.  Well three days go by and the parrot say's not a thing. On the fourth day the parrot looks at the magician and says "Squawk! OK I give up. What did you do with the boat"?

----------

"My Uncle is in Leavanworth because he made big money."
"How much?"
"About a third of an inch too big."

----------

Q: What nationality were Adam and Eve
A: Soviet, of course! Where else would they have nothing to wear, only an Apple to eat, but be living in paradise!

----------

Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the Army?
Soldier: Yes sir!
Officer: What were you before you got into the Army?
Soldier: Much happier!

----------

The seven ages of a woman are:
 Baby, child, girl, young woman, young woman, young woman, and poised social leader!

----------

One word of advice: Don't give it!

----------

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
TELEVISION    -- movies where people don't step on your feet.
MOVIES        -- television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits.
TRANSIT COMPANY- group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat.
DIVORCE       -- post-graduate in School of Love.
BACHELOR OF SCIENCE -- one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.
PIONEER       -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
MAN           -- a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.
WOMAN         -- creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.
PEOPLE        -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SALESMAN      -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
FOREIGN FILM  -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
EPITAPH       -- a postponed compliment.
IMMIGRATION   -- the sincerest form of flattery.
MAGAZINE      -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
MIRACLE       -- something that never happens in our generation.

No comments: