From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.I was originally posted 3 March 1988
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A rock band's drummer thought he would make a good policeman, he was use to pounding a beat.
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A dishonest man and a harp struck by lighting are both a blasted lyre.
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He agreed with the sign, "Fine for parking."
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A taxi driver is a man who drives away customers.
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Everyone knows the four seasons are pepper, salt, vinegar, and oil.
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Cleopatra lived and loved on denial.
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She enjoyed the song in sunday school, it was about a cross eyed bear named Glady. The song was "Gladly the cross I'd bear."
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At first the dog was named Ben, then it had puppies, now it's Ben Hur.
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Dr. Jones fell in the well and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick, and let the well alone.
Ruth rode in my new cycle car in the seat in back of me;
I took a bump at fifty-five and rode on Ruthlessly.
He who courts and goes away, may court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still, may go to court against his will.
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Q: What are the four enemies of Soviet Agriculture?
A: Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall.
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Q: How do you stop a runaway horse?
A: Bet on him.
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Q: How many animals did Moses take onto the ark with him?
A: None. Noah had the ark.
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Tweedledee: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Tweedledum: No...
Tweedledee: Good.
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Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.
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The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper!
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Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
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I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a small amount of cocaine in his suitcase when he was coming through customs. For some reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag. So he grabbed someone elses bag off the carousel and went through customs. When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of marijuana in it.
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