From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears.
"But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci.
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Wrong Arm of the Law
A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officials had placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy machine was a typewritten message: "He's lying."
Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they pushed the copy button. Out came the message, "He's lying." Apparently convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect confessed.
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Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800's in Missouri;
"Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead."
"Died suddenly, nothing serious."
"Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before."
"Don't know; died without the aid of a physician."
"Death caused by blow on the head with an ax. Contributory cause, another man's wife."
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Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: An utter failure.
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A man walks into the sheriffs office...
"I want to become a deputy!"
"Fine. I want you to catch this man." Hands the man a wanted poster.
"Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots. What's he wanted for?"
"Rustling."
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OK, so this guy who's been painting lines down the middle of the road decides that the outdoor life is for him, and takes off to the Great White North to be a lumberjack. And after he's out there for a little while, he becomes an average, everyday lumberjack. One day, he's sitting there reading the Lumberjack Times, and sees an ad for a chain saw. So he thinks to himself, "Self, this ad says that using this chain saw will triple my output. I could sure use the money. I'll go check it out."
And check it out he did. He trucked on up to the Lumberjack store, and bought the biggest, bestest chain saw he could find. The salesman reminded our Lumberjack friend of the 10 day, money back offer that came with the chain saw, and showed him to the door.
Well, the first day the lumberjack used his new toy, he only was able to cut down about half of the trees he normally did. Well, he thought, it was merely because he wasn't used to it yet. The next day, he got up extra early, and worked an extra two hours, and only cut down about 3/4 of what he normally did. He was getting kinda discouraged now, but decided to give it one more try. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), the third day he barely managed to cut down what he normally did, working twice as long as usual to accomplish this.
After recovering from his exhausting day, the following morning he set off to cause severe bodily harm to the unfortunate salesman. Arriving at the store, the lumberjack walked through the nearest wall and demanded to see the kind soul who had sold him the chain saw. The quivering salesman approached, and the lumberjack launched into a detailed description of how the chain saw failed to live up to its reputation. The salesman listened raptly, and told the lumberjack,
"Well, I don't really understand how this could happen, but let's take a look at it. It's possible you've got a defective model there."
So, the salesman takes a hold of the chain saw, yanks on the cord, and starts the beast up.
Whereupon the lumberjack says, "What's that noise?"
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An airliner was going from New York to Los Angeles. After it had been in the air about an hour there was a loud BOOM and the plane shook violently. Naturally everyone became quite nervous. After about one minute the pilot came over the PA and very nonchalantly said "Ladies and Gentlemen, what we just experienced was nothing to be alarmed about. Our number one engine just went out. But I repeat there is no problem. Our numbers 2, 3, and 4 engines can easily carry us on into LA. However we will be a half hour late.
Eventually everyone calmed back down. About an hour later there was another loud BOOM and the plane lunged again. Thirty seconds later the pilot came over the PA again and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just lost our number 2 engine. But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. Our numbers 3 and 4 engines can easily carry us on into LA. However we will be an hour late.
Sure enough, about an hour later there was yet another BOOM. The pilot immediately came over the PA and said "Ladies and Gentlemen our number three engine just went out but again let me reassure you that there is still no danger. Our number 4 engine is plenty powerful enough to get us to LA. However, we will be 3 hours late.
At this point a passenger, disgusted, leaned over to the guy sitting next to him and said "Man, I hope that number 4 engine doesn't go out or we're gonna be up here all day!"
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