Monday, March 11, 2013

Henry Cate Life Humor 1.4

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
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 One day a lion was walking through the jungle feeling particularly  arrogant.  He came upon a zebra, roared loudly and said,
 "Who is king of the jungle, zebra"?
 "You are, oh lion", the zebra replied.
 "Yeah, and don't you forget it", said the lion as he walked on.
 Shortly, the lion came to a gorilla and once again he said,
 "Who's king of the jungle, gorilla?"
 "You are, oh lion", the gorilla said.
 "Correct!", the lion roared as he swaggers on down the jungle path. Soon the lion came to where an elephant was pulling leaves off a tree for his lunch.
 "Who's king of the jungle, elephant?", the lion ask with his usual big roar. Without saying anything, the elephant wraps his trunk around the middle of the lion, picks him up off the ground and throws him against the tree! The lion picked himself up off the ground, broken, bleeding and dazed. He looks up at the elephant and says,
 "Damn, you didn't need to get mad just because you didn't know the answer!"

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 A man accidentally falls over a high cliff, and on the way down he grabs onto the only branch within reach or sight. In a few moments he summons enough strength to move again, and he cries upward, "Help! Is there anyone up there who can help me?"
 A moment passes without event, and he again cries, "Help; can anyone hear me? I need help!"
 After another moment a booming voice answers, "THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD. BELIEVE IN ME. HAVE FAITH. SAY A PROPER PRAYER AND LET GO OF THE BRANCH. YOU WILL FLOAT SLOWLY TO THE SAND, UNHARMED. JUST LET GO."
 Looking down at the jagged rocks and the pounding surf, the man thinks for a second, and then calls up, "Is there anyone ELSE up there?"

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 There once was a preacher whose congregation was so large that he had trouble remembering the names and faces of everyone in it. One fine Sunday after the end of the service, he was greeting various members of his congregation as they left the church. A woman came up to him and said, "Good morning, Reverend, surely you remember me!"
 Well, he didn't. But he made a valiant effort. "Why, you look like Helen Brown."
 The woman looked somewhat offended as she said, "Well, you don't look so good in black, yourself!"

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 His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
 Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you're the only one in  attendance, do you wish me to go on with the sermon?"
 After a silent moment the young cowboy replied "Weeeelll pastor I don't know much about that religion stuff but I'll tell you this.... If I went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out there I guarantee I'd feed e'm."
 Upon this reply the pastor went forth with his sermon, which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished he asked the cowboy "Well son did you learn anything?"
 "Weeellll", the cowboy said "I didn't understand a lot of it but I'll tell you this..... If I go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is only one there I sure wouldn't give him the whole load!!"

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