From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
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Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. The tame way.
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Seems there was this father who has three sons. They were always on their best behavior. It turns out that he always paid two of his sons $5 a week to be good. The third son, by the way, was good for nothing.
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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
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Judge: Haven't I seen you before?
Man: Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play the piano.
Judge: Thirty Years!
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Some from the 8th annual Ten-Best Stressed Puns competition:
A man discovered that a blood vessel on his wife's forehead would enlarge as the barometric pressure fell. He learned soon to predict rainstorms by observing her weather vein.
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During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly.
"I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
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Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.
-James F. Byrnes
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A guy is driving through Vermont when he sees some old fogey sitting on a rocking chair, rocking back and forth, looking like he hasn't moved since 1957. He asks they guy "Been rocking there all your life?" And the guy replies "Not yet!"
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Soviet Premier Brezchnev is visiting France. They show him Versailles, they show him the Louvre, they show him Notre Dame. He is not really impressed. Finally they show him the Eiffel Tower. "What do you think of that?" Ho ho! He looks up, thinks for a moment, and says, "There are nine million people in Paris."
"Yes?"
"Do you think one watchtower is enough?"
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Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
Janet Long
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"Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature."
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"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement."
-- Jim Horning
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Edmund Burke, in a letter to William Smith.
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