Monday, June 02, 2014

Life Humor 3.2

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

Life Humor 3.2 was originally posted 4 May 1988


On the day a suit against him was to be settled in court, a
prominent congress man was called away on urgent business. He
told his attorney to notify him as soon as a judgement was handed
down. Later that day, he received a cable that read, "JUSTICE HAS
PREVAILED." The politician immediately wired back, "APPEAL AT

Favorite Bathroom Sign:
"Question authority"
beneath it
"why ?"


I had gotten lost in cryptic and ambiguous regulations, and in
total desperation called the Internal Revenue service for some

I got hold of someone thoroughly familiar with the subject of my
questions. He gave me complete and helpful answers.

I like to give positive reinforcement when I run across people
like that,  so I made it a point to say "Thank you!  You've been
really informative and helpful."  To which the IRS agent said
"I'm sorry".


What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector ?
The taxidermist takes only your skin.

               Mark Twain


The American ambassador visited the Romanian president.  In the
waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five

When he entered he said to the Romanian president, "I really
don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers,
and my gold watch has disappeared."  So the president answered,
"OK.  I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two
minutes later with the watch.

The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador.
"I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."

"That's OK," said the president.  "They did not notice."


In 1986, Silo, a discount appliance chain, ran a TV commercial
for a stereo it claimed cost only "299 bananas."  Sure enough,
dozens of customers in Seattle and El Paso took the TV spots
literally and brought in 11,000 bananas. Silo honored its pledge,
accepted the fruit as payment, and lost $10,465 on the stereos.


"An Elementary Look at Campaigns and Elections"

(Every year, teacher Mike Wilson of Ballwin, Missouri has his
elementary-school students study the presidential election
process in America.  From the resulting essays and exam papers,
Wilson has culled some gems of youthful insight and wisdom, not
to mention skepticism worth of a politics-weary adult.  As the
1984 presidential election grows near, we offer some of Wilson's

Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running
neck-and-neck?  Well it is not true.

Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.

Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you

The difference between a king and a president is that a king is
the son of his father but a president is not.

What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting
to elect the president.  It is some people in a college who get
to.  I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not
going to just sit around.

It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without
getting the majority of popular votes.  Anyone who can ever
understand how this works gets to be president.

Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only
because they became president.

The more I think about trying to run for president the less I
think of it.

The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members
of his cabinet.

Much has been said about balancing the budget.  It has been found
that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.

The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and
the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his
being elected.

Actually, elections are different from politics.  Elections come
and go while politics are with us all the time.

The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.

In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he
has been sworn at.

Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours
a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.

The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners
although I have heard them called other things.

One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for
president must be people.

Popular votes tell who is the most popular.  Electoral votes tell
who is the most elected.

Heredity is a bad thing in politics because it gets us kings
instead of presidents.

A caucus is something people vote in.  Sort of a small booth.

An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to
the convention and whelms the delegates.

The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.

Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying

When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope
it is talking about an election.

A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough
about to dislike yet.

Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates
act that way.

A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket
so you tear it up.

When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate,
they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.

Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along.

Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run
out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.

A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.

We are learning how to make our election results known quicker
and quicker.  It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting
any shorter.

One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to
go on a whistle-stop tour without a train.

Politician is the bawling out name for a candidate you don't

Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to.

Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally

[ Reported collection source, Ford Times ]


At the risk of starting another net storm with Yet Another Stupid
Robber Joke

(YASRJ) messages, a friend recently showed me a clipping from a
newspaper which I though I'd pass along to all the netlanders who
enjoy seeing and collecting bits of stupidity.  After all isn't
this what rec.humor (no  crossposing here) is supposed to be
CLUTTERED UP with anyway?  That was a rhetorical question - so
don't bother answering.
...without further ADIEU...

About Banking...

  According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young
male repeat offenders who  apparently don't know the first thing
about their business.  This information was included in an
interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by
Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers

  Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of
surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise,
86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent
make no long-range plans for concealing the loot.  Thus, he
offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

  1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't follow
the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a
bank that was no longer in  business and had no money.  On the
other hand, you don't want to be too  familiar with the bank.  A
California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway.
She turned him in.

  2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this is
harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the
holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him
go into a restaurant.  She hailed a passing police car, and the
police picked him up.  Another teller was given a holdup note by
a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man
to the  ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

  3. Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been written
on the back  of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in
Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of
another in Detroit, and in East Hartford,  Conn., on the back of
a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account

  4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains,
N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The police
captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

  5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a
teller a note saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties
in this envelope."  The  teller said, "All I've got is two
twenties."  The robber took them and left.

  6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought that if he smeared
mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the
cameras.  Actually, it  accentuated his features, giving
authorities a much clearer picture.  Bank robbers in Minnesota
and California tried to create a diversion by throwing  stolen
money out of the windows of their cars.  They succeeded only in
drawing attention to themselves.

  7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in
Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air
Force Base.  They drove up to a military police guardhouse and,
thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

  8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever to borrow
the teller's car, which she carefully described to police.  This
resulted in the most  quickly solved bank robbery in the history
of Pittsfield, Mass.

  9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye
packs, stuffing  the cash into your pants can lead to
embarrassing staining, Clark points out, not to mention severe
burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston
painfully discovered.

  10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous Newport, R.I.,
robber, while  trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his
shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.  Then
there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass.,
who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was
still unconscious when the police arrived.

  In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978
and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in
69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

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