Friday, May 30, 2014

Life Humor 3.1

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 3.1 was originally posted 18 April 1988


This is a true story
Last night several people were in a computer lab playing games,  somebody who was visiting Crown College during the college's 20th birthday came in and watched Jamais (sp?) play multi-trek.  Upon seeing the words "energy", "warp", "antimatter", and so on, he asked what sort of physics experiment Jamais was doing by computer control.

Famous last words: "Oh no, I think I put in to much antimatter."


A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in a sentence.  She said "My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are all communists".

A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word
"capitalist" in a sentence.  She said:  "My cat had a litter of kittens and now they are capitalists".

The teacher was shocked and ask what had happened to the kittens. The little girl responded: "Well the have opened their eyes now!"


Two atheists were shipwrecked on a deserted Island. The situation was getting grim with the hot tropical sun beating down on them and no fresh water.   The First Atheist says "Maybe we ought to Pray.... "

First Atheist (loudly):  "I"
Second Atheist :     "I"

First Atheist:  "Seventeen"
Second Atheist:  "Seventeen"
The atheist had overheard a bingo game .........




A group of local homeless folks have announced their intention to join next year's traditional parade of mimes and other performers on New Year's Day in Philadelphia.

They're billing it as "The mummers and the paupers."


"Everyone's a little weird now, it's normal."


Has anyone noticed that the new movie, APPOINTMENT WITH DEATH, is being released *today*, APRIL 15th?


... stolen from Gary Larson's "The Far Side" ...

Pilot to Copilot: " ... Say ... What's a mountain goat doing way up here in a cloud bank? " 


Forgot one of my favorite laws.  In Sacramento it's illegal to kick the heads of snakes that stick their heads up through the sidewalk.


Just last month in my town ...

A local gas station attendant overhead a stolen car police report  on his scanner when working the late shift.  He jotted down the car's  plate number.  
Later that night he called the police and reported that he was robbed  at gunpoint by a thug, "but I got the plate number..."
It turned out that the guy was "robbed" after the stolen car was recovered and the thief was already in jail.


Soldier standing in front of a large sign . In the background is a huge gorge stretching from east to west. Behind the sign is a  bridge that goes to the other side. The sign reads -


The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."


"Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for!"


In a similar vein, when Captain Cook was visiting Australia, he asked his guide what those animals that hopped around were called. The guide answered, "Kangaroo", which is Maori for "I don't understand you".


And now, things you'll never see in the Enquirer:

1)  Baby Born Normal
2)  Man and Wife Happily Married
3)  House Not Haunted
4)  Scientists Understand/Not Baffled
5)  Elvis is Dead
6)  UfO's Gone
7)  Family Pet Helpless in Fire/Auto Accident
8)  New Miracle Diet to Gain Weight
9)  New Horoscope Reveals Nothing
10) Celebrity Still Single/Married

Ah, what would the tabloids do without Elvis?


Major According to The Bathroom Trivia Book, by Jack Kreismer:

No one is permitted to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.

In Wilbur, Washington it's illegal to ride an ugly horse.

In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

A Texas law says that when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, both must come to a stop.  Then neither train may continue until the other one is out of sight.

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