Saturday, May 24, 2014

Life Humor 2.U

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.U was originally posted 25 March 1988


The more waist, the less speed.


A fool and her money are soon courted.


There is no time like the pleasant.


The busy lawyer wanted an alert young woman to act as deceptionist.


He didn't like cycling with friends, he wanted to clyclone along.


Why did they hang the picture?  They culdn't find the artiest.

A paper ran an item stating that "The departing Mr. Smithers was a member of the defective bureau of the police force." The chief of police made a strong protest, whereupon the paper published an apology as follows: "Our announcement should have read "The detective branch of the police farce."




Did you know that 'gullible' is not in Webster's Dictionary?


There used to be a saying:

"The sun never sets on the British empire, because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark."


The Poles have a saying about how communist governments rewrite history:"Only the future is certain; the past is always changing"


From the Toronto Star, March 10:

A would-be bandit failed because he had written a holdup up note on another bank's withdrawal slip. When Leonard Goodin decided to rob a Toronto-Dominion bank branch last Sept. 4, he wrote his holdup note demanding money on a withdrawal slip from the Royal Bank of Canada, court heard yesterday. The teller looked at the note and told Goodin, "You have the wrong bank. This is a Toronto-Dominion, not a Royal."  She returned his note but Goodin pushed it back at her along with a brown paper bag in which the money was to be placed. The woman again reminded him he was in the wrong bank and returned the note. "The accused stared at the victim, shook his head and left the bank," court was told. An hour later Goodin successfully robbed another bank - even though it wasn't a Royal branch.


A few months ago in upstate New York, a man decided to rob a local bank. He walked into the bank holding a brown paper bag. He looked around for a moment, and must have decided he was in the wrong bank, because he then left, walked across the street, and robbed a DIFFERENT one!

He took a bystander hostage, where she was forced to drove the thief to his  house, and drop him off! He then let her go. She promptly called the police,  and they went and arrested the man at his house.


     Pat and mike were walking down the street when their old friendly-sort-of-nemesis approached them.  He thought he'd have a good laugh at their expense because they, reputedly, weren't too bright.  He said: "Hey Pat! Hey Mike!  Did you hear the news?"  "The news?" asked Mike.  "What is it?" asked Pat.  "It's incredible, I read in the papers this morning that the devil died!!!"  Said the old nemesis.  "Is that so?" asked Mike.  "The truth is it?" asked Pat, and they both dug into their pockets and each gave the man a coin.  Thinking this terribly strange, "What on earth is this for?" asked the man.  Pat began to explain:  "In the old country, when someone dies," and Mike finished: "We all contribute a little something to help the surviving children."


A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror, he noticed that a small object, followed by a trail of dust, was closing fast. His curiosity piqued, he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into view, it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched in amazement, the bird whizzed by him. He checked his speed as this happened: could it really pass him when he was doing 35?

There was no way a chicken was going to make a joke of his $18,000 machine. He slammed down the gas pedal and went screaming toward the offending fowl. He grinned with satisfaction as he passed it, but a few seconds later, he spotted it running even with him, staying in view. He studied the bird and noticed that it had three legs! This was really strange. Suddenly, the chicken zipped ahead of his car, took a sharp left turn and disappeared behind a haystack.

The man had to check this out. He spun his wheel and barely made the turn. As he came around the other side of the haystack, he had to stand on his brakes to avoid the farmer, who stood complacently chewing a toothpick and looking blankly at the car that nearly flattened him. The chicken stood nearby, not even breathing heavily.

The man got out of his car. "This your chicken?", he asked.


"How is it possible that it has three legs?"

"Me and my wife, we raise 'em that way," the farmer droned.

The man looked puzzled. "Why?"

"Well," came the reply, "you sit down to dinner with your wife and a guest. You like a drumstick?"

"Sure, but..."

"And your wife, she likes a drumstick?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Your guest might like one too, you reckon?"

Now it was clear. "Oh, I see!" He smiled. He couldn't wait to spring this on his friends. "What does it taste like?"

"Dunno," said the farmer, "never caught one."


Heard a wonderful news report on the radio today:  Seems that there are some folks, somewhere in the U.S., who are passing bank checks which are chemically treated so that several hours after they've been passed they self destruct.

(No, I'm not talking about the U.S. government, they don't erode their money, just its underlying value, and they do it much more slowly so as to not get everybody too pissed off at them all at once.)

Anyway, back to the self-destructing checks:  The radio news report ended by quoting a local law-enforcer as saying that it is difficult to nail somebody for passing bad checks when the whole problem is that the checks in question basically don't exist any more!




Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.  I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.  Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.  I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below.  I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1.  To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2.  To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

 Your most obedient servant


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