From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.Q was originally posted 8 February 1988
----------
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
----------
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
----------
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
----------
Real-estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
----------
Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices. No one else in town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
----------
During the American Revolution tried to raid a farm. He stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, then an aggressive Rhode Island Red hoped on top. The farmer came out at this moment and commented, "Check catch a Tory."
----------
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
----------
A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver. One asked, "Can you float alone?"
----------
A filibuster, throwing your wait around.
----------
A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this is a parson to parson call.
----------
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
----------
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill is not the rigger Mort is.
----------
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
----------
The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
----------
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.
----------
A man who keep stealing mopeds was an obvious cycle-path.
----------
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for the door."
----------
A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles.
----------
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, its platoonic.
----------
Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm an anti-climb Max."
----------
A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.
----------
An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate.
----------
Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.
----------
Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
----------
What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.
----------
A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told me to strike a happy medium."
----------
Borrowed and modified from Arkady Shevchenko's autobiography.
A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot! Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for a while until they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district, and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season, comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't any potatoes, either."
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news." I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out in the field, taking 'the Revolution" to the people: explaining the fundamentals of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department was out talking to a farmer in Siberia... Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Revolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
----------
A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rabbits, running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?"
Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
Badger: "But you're rabbits!"
Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
----------
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "Go to hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.
----------
Why did the turtle cross the road???
To get to the Shell station!!!
----------
A newspaper headline: "Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted!"
----------
No comments:
Post a Comment