Monday, March 17, 2014

Life Humor 2.N

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.N was originally posted 25 January 1988


An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book.  A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.

"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.

She replies,  "I am old, and I will die soon.  I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."

The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"

The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay.  I already speak Russian."


Isn't it odd that all the members of the Association for Computing Machinery are human?  (I've been thinking of signing my home computer up.)



A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money.  The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.

 When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door.  It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.


"The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right outside its trendy Westside office, this. Analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants were from marijuana."


Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.


A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked:
"Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg.  How many legs does a horse have?"

The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer says "But you can't do that!"


Subject: Pet peeve

According to the January issue of Smithsonian magazine, a Beatrice, Nebraska, man left his pet bulldog in the car for a few minutes at a gas station.  When the man tried to get back in, he found that the dog, perhaps peeved over some slight, had locked all the doors.


From London Times via Car and Driver:

Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and is in a hurry.  He is getting irritated with the slowness of his driver.  "Can't you go any faster?" he says angrily.  "I have to obey the speed limits," says the driver.  Finally Gorbachev orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel.  Sure enough a patrol car soon pulls them over.  The senior officer orders the junior to go write up the ticket.  But the junior officer comes back and says he can't give them a ticket, the person in the car is too important.  "Well, who is it?", the senior officer asks.  "I didn't recognize him," says the junior officer, "but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur."


  This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery.  So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery!  Imagine how much charity I could give!  Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!"  He doesn't win the lottery.

  The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek!  Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery!  Help me vin ze lottery!"  Once again, he doesn't win.

  The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein.  Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens:  "Help me, help me!"

  He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"

  "Buy a ticket!"

From a Rice Krispies Joke Machine

Why do tigers live in the jungle?
   They hate city traffic.

Where do polar bears vote?
   The North Poll.

What did the limestone say to the geologist?
   Stop taking me for granite.

What should you do if you can't see at night?
   Enroll in night school.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
   In case he got a hole in one.

What should you do every morning?
   Wake up.

Why do spiders spin webs?
   Because they can't knit.

What's the difference between a bear and an ant?
   About 2,000 pounds.

What's better than a talking dog?
   A spelling bee.

What's the difference between a nickel and a dime?
   Five cents.



SOCIALISM - You have two cows.  The government takes one to give to someone else.

COMMUNISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and gives you the milk.

FASCISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and sells you the milk.

NAZISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.

CAPITALISM - You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.


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