From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.L was originally posted 19 Nov 1987
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So Gorbachev (sp?) decided that now that he was on top, it was time to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a fleet of limos in Red Square.
So, mama. It's good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat! She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his limo. He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they were served by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money could buy. She said nothing.
You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks. The chopper picked them up & delivered them to the steps of a magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the best Cognac and liquor available.
They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view. So, mama. You don't say anything. Aren't you proud of your little Miki? Haven't I done well? She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice. Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so grand to fly in, Food is best I have ever tasted.
And this, A dacha? This is more glorious than anything I could imagine. Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby. What if the communists return!
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Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy! Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see! At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
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A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options. The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber is coming in the morning."
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Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were riding in a limo, when they happened to look back and notice a huge ugly monster was chasing them. Hoping to persuade it to go away, Churchill rolled down his window and tossed out all the money he had, about 10,000 pounds. The monster picked it up, sniffed it, then tossed it aside and continued to pursue the limo. So Roosevelt opened his window, and tossed out $100,000, with a gold money clip he'd gotten from Rockefeller, and his $1500 gold watch. The monster picked up the bundle, sniffed it, sneered and continued to pursue the limo. So comrade Stalin pulled out a pen and paper, scribbled a short note, and tossed it out the window. The monster read the note and came to a screaming halt (a la buggs bunny, smoke from the heels), turned around, and ran the other way. Well of course, the other world leaders wanted to know what Comrade Stalin had written in the note. "Simple", he said. "I wrote,
'This is the road to Communism'."
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"you have known the defendant for how long ?"
"Fourteen years."
"Tell the court whether or not you think he is the type of man who would steal this money."
"How much was it ?"
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