Life Humor 2.K

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.K was originally posted 7 Dec 1987

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Brezhnev was thought not to be too bright.  He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:

"Dear Comrade Imperialists," The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??"   Brezhnev tried again...

"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"

Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists?  Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev.  "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:

"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."

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A friend of mine once told me an anecdote, which I then told Gorfinkle over there, and Gorfinkle didn't think it was funny.  The punch line of the anecdote - which had to do with life in the army - was that the Soviet privates were sent out to paint all the grass on the base green.  I thought it was very funny.  He didn't.  I said, "Why don't you think it was funny,"  to which he replied, "because when I was in the army, we always painted the grass green."

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There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's speeches ran 6 hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy.  In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidentally gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.

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It was decided to build in a Siberian town a statue of Lenin.  The party boss told the monument factory to build a well-known, famous sculpture of Lenin. So the work commences - a statue of Lenin addressing the crowds will be made.

  Later, the party boss returns as the work is being done, and he notices that Lenin lacked a hat.

"We can't have Comrade Lenin standing in the Siberian cold without a hat on him.  Put one on his head."

"But, Comrade- " the sculptor started.

"No buts.  Put a hat on him."

So came the day of unveiling - and there was Lenin, a hat on his head... and another one in his hand.

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"Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to build socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union.  But is it possible to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland."

"Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?"

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A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling"Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for revealing a state secret.

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Brezhnev was widely regarded as a man who couldn't walk and talk at the same time, so many anecdotes were generated about him.

  Often, they were about his great fondness, for some reason, of riddles - which he could never solve.

  One day, he was bumbling down the corridors of the Kremlin, and he bumped into Andropov.  Andropov was trying to get into a position to succeed Brezhnev so he thought he would butter him up.

"Who is the son of my father but not I?" asked Andropov.

"Hmmm... a tough one," replied Brezhnev, "I give up."

"My brother."

  Brezhnev was impressed.  "Brilliant!" he cried, and continued down the hall.

  He bumps into Gorbachev.

"Miky... hear this riddle: who is the son of my father but not me?"

  Gorbachev plays along with the old man and asks, "Who?"

Brezhnev, delighted about being able to tell his riddle blurts out, "Andropov's brother!"

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At the Olympics in the Soviet Union, Brezhnev started a speech at the opening ceremonies.  He began as follows:

"Oh...."     "Ooooo...."   "Oh...."    "Ooo...."    "Ooohh."

until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read.

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Brezhnev was being shown the Soviet pentagon.  At the end of his tour, he noticed a red door.  "What's in there?" he asked Nixon.

"Oh, that's a secret," Nixon replied.

"But you promised to show me everything, Dick!" whined Brezhnev.

"Okay," agrees Nixon, and takes a key out of his pocket and opens the door. Inside is a red telephone.

"What's that?"

"It's a hot-line to Hell," replies Nixon.

"No way," says Brezhnev, "I don't believe you!"

"Try it," replied Nixon.
Brezhnev picks up the phone, and a voice answers:

"Hi! It's the Devil! This is Hell!"

  Brezhnev is shocked and hangs up the phone, but as he's leaving, Nixon says,
"That'll be $55 for the phone call."

"$55!" exclaims Brezhnev, "why so expensive - but what the hell, here."

  Brezhnev goes back to the Soviet Union and yells at his generals.  "You idiots! You know what the Americans have?  A hot-line to hell!  Why don't we?"

"We do," they reply, and show him a similar door with a phone.  He picks it up and sure enough - "Hi! It's the Devil! This is Hell!"

  As he hangs up, the general says, "That will be 2 Kopeks, Comrade."

"Why so cheap?  In America it was $55!"

"That's because here it's a local call."

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