Life Humor 2.I

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
Life Humor 2.I was originally posted 19 Nov 1987

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Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".
"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

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Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]:  "What were you thinking about?"
Vladimir:  "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."
Ivan:  "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

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 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the  day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.

"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked  hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of  meat again?"

"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."

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What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
They have the same middle name.

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#1: Save the whales.
#2: Collect the whole set.

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A candidate and a voter are having a conversation outside the polling place.
Voter:  I would not vote for you if you were St. Peter himself.
Candidate:  If I were St. Peter, you would not live in my district.

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The Pentagon has deployed trained dolphins in the Persian Gulf to detect under water mines. They will be used for purely defensive porpoises

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Proposed Country-Western song titles:

I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You

I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

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Gary Hart's big mistake:

He should have had Ted Kennedy drive her home that night.

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"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
                                -Aldous Huxley

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More IT'S A SMALL TOWN

You know you're in a small town.....

when you turn on your hair dryer and the street lights dim...

Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.

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Found at the end of a submission by Alexander Falk to the info-mac digest.

IF YOU CAN SEE IT AND IT'S THERE - IT'S REAL
IF YOU CAN SEE IT AND IT ISN'T THERE - IT'S VIRTUAL
IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT AND IT'S THERE - IT'S TRANSPARENT
IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT AND IT ISN'T THERE - IT'S   G O N E

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This travelling guy was once driving outside a small town and right in front of a mad peoples home (madhouse or whatever it's called) his front wheel comes off. Looking into the problem he finds that all four of the wheel's nuts have come off. `This is a fine mess' he thinks loudly `how am I ever going to get out of here'. In frustration he sits down by the side of a road to think things out. All this while there was a mad inmate who watched the whole scene from his window. After a while he calls out to the traveler asking him to approach the window. The man looks at him and decides that the last thing he can handle is a conversation with a lunatic and ignores him but eventually gives in when he persists. When he approaches the window the mad man tells him to take one nut out of each of his other wheels and use it temporarily on wheel that's come off. This way he could get to next town and buy 4 more. The traveler looks at him in disbelief, this had never occurred to him.  Totally blown away by this, he apologizes for his rude behavior previously and ask him why he's in a mad house when he's has so much common sense. To this he gets the reply "I'm mad not STUPID".

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    The meek will inherit the earth--if that's OK with you.

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Here are some funny(?) phrases and constructions that my wife brought home from her class. (She is a high school English teacher.)  These actually appeared in her students' homework and exams.  I thought that they were funny enough to be included in rec.humor.

I loved her so much that I put her on a pedal stool.

When I grow up I want to be a whorse trainer.

She left him because he took her for granite.

In the Middle Ages Europe was swept by the Blue Bonnet plague.

When you have finished the final step, Walla! you're ready to bake your cake.

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