Friday, January 10, 2014

Life Humor 2.F

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:


Mole problems?  Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate

(Picture of Einstein in a police uniform with caption): 186,000 miles per second.  It's not just a good idea, it's the law.


Excerpted from the Redwood City Times:

The huge Shell Oil Co. toxic waste trial scheduled to gear up in San Bruno this fall has produced reams and reams of paper.  So many, in fact, that the San Mateo County Clerk's office has partitioned off a room where two clerks do nothing but sort and file all those stacks of paper.

They've named their space the "Shell Oil Control Center" and posted a sign outside:  "Life is Shell, and then you die."


What does a proud computer call his little son?
" A microchip off the old block."    

What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
"you get a short circuit".


So the Pope, a Monsignor, and some young priest were hanging out in the Pope's office talking. Suddenly, through a partially closed door, they see Jesus Christ himself strolling down the hall. They look at each other aghast. The Pope strides across the office, sits down at a typewriter and starts banging away at it. Over the clatter, the Monsignor shakenly asks "Your Holiness, what are you doing?! That's Jesus himself coming down the hall!".

The Pope, still typing away, looks up and says testily, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna look real busy."


These are from 1987:

What did Senator Biden say when he first met with his staff after the New York Times broke the plagiarism scandal? "Don't worry, guys.  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!"

Biden said that in regard to plagerisim charges, it wasn't anything recent. In fact, he said 'It all happened four score and seven years ago...'

Biden, when asked if he was going to resign, said that 'he had not yet begun to fight.'

Pat Schroeder called Joe Biden and told him that she was thinking of entering the presidential race. His response was ' Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.'

Perhaps the cruelest cut of all was when someone asked a Biden staffer why Biden was still in the race. The staffer responded that they had been unable to locate a copy of Hart's resignation speech.

In the face of all this scandal, Biden  has announced that if nominated, he will not run, and if elected, he will not serve.


Many people think that the concepts and ideas that they read about typical SF story are derived from the imagination of the writer.  How do you know this?  Many of the things I have read about would require an imagination that borders on mental illness.  Are these writers producing autobiographies, thinly disguised as science fiction?  Just in case, I present here a brief guide, to help you in the event that something you have read about actually happens to you.

What to do ...

1.  If you get a phone call from Mars.
Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
Q. What if he or she doesn't speak English?
Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.  If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he or she would have taken the trouble to learn the language before calling.

2. If you get a phone call from Jupiter?
Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he or she is not `life as we know it'.  Try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you.

3. If a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any film.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.

4. If you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension?

Don't go in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.

5. If reality disappears?
Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There is not much you can do about it.  It can be quite unpleasant.

6. If you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
Follow the books on this one.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.  Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.

I hope this guide will be of help to you, should you find yourself confronted with any of the situations described.  If anything like the above should happen to you, get out your typewriter, and crank out a story.


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