From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
----------
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."
----------
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
----------
This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:
All signs metric
next 20 miles
----------
The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries. In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail." In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed. In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year. In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven 20 miles out of town and forced to walk back. In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment. In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.
From the August Road & Track.
----------
90/90 Law of Software Project Management:
The first 90% of the task takes the first 90% of the time, and the remaining 10% takes the other 90%.
----------
At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch. After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".
----------
One just in the San Francisco paper (note: Marin County is a ritzy area just north of San Francisco): 'Did you know that if you dial 911 in Marin County you get the BMW repair garage?'
----------
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. Yep, she has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads:
Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis
----------
Recently, Munich, Germany was having a severe problem with there dog population. It was skyrocketing beyond belief. In a matter of a couple of weeks, the population doubled and then even tripled. They had to put together a special emergency committee to solve the problem. But, the dogs continued to multiply. The dogs started to infest Munich's neighboring city's. One day, the committee got a call from a nearby mill. The man was frantic. "Please, you've got to send help! The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
----------
In shark infested waters, a wise fish never travels without a porpoise.
In high school we had an interesting teacher we called tortoise, cause he taught us.
----------
I was quite surprised by a recently acquired tape, "Don't Ask" by Frank Hayes. The first verse of the title song goes something like this:
The orders come down and they march us away.
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
But it's better than working for Xerox.
(I worked at Xerox for nine years. It wasn't that bad.)
----------
`The Observer' [English national Sunday paper] reports on `the nightmare of a woman robbed of 8,750 pounds'.
(The new diet plan.)
----------
(In 1987 there were a number of shootings on the Los Angeles freeways.)
Guns don't kill people. Driving 40 in the fast lane kills people.
Don't shoot me, I'll move over.
Honk if you are Reloading
Cover me, I'm about to change lanes.
----------
Newest sign seen along side the road on the Xpressway:
Next Exit:
Gas, Food, and Ammo
12 gauge and over use TRUCK ROUTE
RELOADERS use right lane
----------
If you have tried to pick up or drop off passengers at Los Angeles International Airport, this should be familiar to you.
The white zone is for loading and unloading of guns only ... no shooting.
----------
One of the speakers claims his mother told him to marry a girl from San Pete, Utah, then no matter how bad things got, you would know she'd had it worst.
Another speaker, the father of six kids, was asked why didn't he stop at one or two. The reply was "My wife and I don't think all the children in the world should be raised by beginers."
----------
"Great ideas are better than good ones because they both take about the same amount of time to develop and the great ideas aren't obsolete when you're done."
----------
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash")
------------
I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VA began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...
[chorus]
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash
The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"
[chorus]
The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too
So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...
[chorus]
----------
No comments:
Post a Comment