From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
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ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
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A trainee was assigned to guard the entrance to a bivouac site, and told to use the challenge "Victor" and listen for the password, "Romeo" to allow entry.
The trainee had been on watch only a short time when an officer from another company approached. "Halt" commanded the guard. "Victor."
The officer didn't know the response, but he did know trainees. "No private," he said. "That's my part, I say that."
The trainee, having been corrected a million times, assumed he had made another mistake. The officer then said, "Victor." The trainee responded, "Romeo," and, having heard both words, permitted the officer to pass.
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A man who was involved in a serious motorcycle accident was unable to speak when he first regained consciousness. Wishing to know how long he had been unconscious, he took a piece of paper and a pencil from the bedstand and, after writing "Date?" on it, gave it to his nurse. She handed it back to him - after she had written the word "Married" on it.
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The following appeared in the Wednesday (24-Jun) New York Times, in the Metropolitan Diary, a weekly column of "human interest" stories sent in by readers:
A small sign was taped to a building on West 120th Street near Amsterdam Avenue, and Ellen Shaw of Scotch Plains, N.J., noticed it as she passed by. It was a discreet advertisement for a nearby stand run by three young entrepreneurs - two boys and a girl - who were selling iced tea, cola and cookies.
Ms. Shaw ordered tea and offered the youngsters a suggestion: "You may want to make a bigger sign," she said. "That one is really not to noticeable."
"I know," said one of the boys, gesturing toward one of his partners, "but that's as big as his computer makes them."
He paused, thought for a moment, and slapped his forehead. "Hey, I've got it!" he exclaimed. "Maybe we could DRAW a bigger sign!"
The tea, incidentally, was herbal.
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Several recently deceased people were standing in front of the pearly gates awaiting admission to heaven. St. Peter announced that a final short quiz was necessary prior to entering to be sure that the people learned at least a little about religion before they died.
St. Peter asked a man what Easter meant to him.
"Easter," replied the man, "is a very important holiday. You bake a turkey, have the family over for dinner and give thanks for the good things that you have in life."
"No, no, no," said St. Peter and he sent the man to purgatory. He then asked another man what Easter was.
"Easter," answered the second man, "is a wonderful time of the year when you decorate a tree, sing carols and exchange gifts!"
"No, no, no" exclaimed St. Peter in desperation. "Doesn't anyone here know what Easter is?"
"You," said St. Peter, pointing to a third man, "can you tell me what Easter is?"
"Certainly I can" the third man answered pointedly. "Easter is when the Lord Jesus Christ is buried in a cave and after three days he arises up out of the cave."
"Finally," exclaimed St. Peter, "Here is a man who truly understands what Easter is."
"Yes," said the third man, "and if Jesus sees his shadow and jumps back into the cave we have 6 more weeks of winter...
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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
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A woman's three sons went to Texas to raise beef cattle, sheep, and hogs. They had no idea what to name their ranch so they wrote home to mother for suggestions. Name it Focus, she replied. Puzzled, they called for an explanation. Mom said Focus - where the sons raise meet.
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"Millions long for immortality who
do not know what to do with themselves
on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
---Susan Ertz---
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A Dutch guy is standing by an outside wall of his house and is diligently scraping off the paint. His neighbor spots him and with natural Dutch curiosity asks "Hey, you're moving?"
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The governor of Texas was showing the president of Mexico around his huge cattle ranch one day.
Not to be outdone, the president said, "I have a dirt road that goes around my ranch. I drove it one time, and it took me 4 days to go around it".
The Texas governor thought a minute (as he chewed on a piece of hay), and replied, "I had a car like that once."
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A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire.
The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the bars says " I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help", "How ?" asks the WASP, "Easy " says the loonie, "take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas station"
"You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "why did they locked you in ? "
"They put me in because I am a loonie" the guy tells the WASP and continues "not because I am stupid".
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At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a Southern state, flooding most of many counties. Since the water was about six feet deep outside (and inside) their house, one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son happened to notice a nice straw hat as it went downstream. "My," he thought, "I'll bet the person who lost that hat is sorry now!"
After the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house, the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the hat, floating upstream, against the current! This was obviously very strange, so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house.
Finally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied,
"Oh, that's just your grandfather. He said come Hell or high water, he was going to mow the lawn today."
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Toni was a communist and very unhappy in capitalist Austria. He wanted to go over the border to Russia, where everything was supposed to be better. His friend Josef was interested too. However, they'd also heard a few stories of repression and shortages, so they didn't know what to do.
"Look," said Toni, "I've got an idea. I'll go over first. If everything's great, I'll write back a letter with blue ink. If things really are awful, and everything's censored, I'll write back a letter with green ink."
Toni went over the border. After several months Josef got the following letter, written in blue ink:
"Dear Josef,
"Everything is just terrific. I'm doing very well. I've got a beautiful large apartment, and there's lots to eat and drink. Prices are really low and you can get whatever you want. The only thing I haven't been able to find is green ink.
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Just after the end of World War 2, it was decided that the borders between Poland and Russia should be redrawn. A surveyor was out one day looking over the proposed border when he noticed a little house right smack dab on the line. Well he was unsure as to which country the house belonged to, so he decided to let the occupants choose which country they wanted to be a part of. He knocked on the door and an old man answered.
"Well, old man. I'm here to tell you that you have a choice of country. Which is it, do you want to be part of Poland or Russia?"
The man thought for a moment and said decisively, "Poland!"
The surveyor was taken aback by the old man's vehemence and said, "Why did you choose Poland."
The old man countered with, "Well, if I have to go through just one more of these Russian winters...."
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