Life Humor 2.A

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

----------

Bumper Sticker:

If all else fails read the instructions   (The Bible)

Prepare for your FINALS Read the Bible

----------

Quotable Quotes from Reader's Digest, April 1987:

Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.

One thought driven home is better than three left on base.

Cultivate the habit of early rising.  It is unwise to keep the head long on a level with the feet.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we
couldn't.

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.

----------

Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude

----------

"One size fits all."

Just who is this "all" person anyway, and why is he wearing my clothes?

----------

"The law, in all its majestic equality, forbids both rich and poor to sleep in the streets, to beg for money, and to steal bread."

----------

  PHONE COMPANY GIVES SOMETHING FOR NOTHING

Dear Ann,
 I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company.  Talk about garbage in, garbage out!

 When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house.  The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T.  After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00.  A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us.  Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00.  We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00.  A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.

This went on every three months for two years.  Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out.  We just cash the $5 and forget about it.
      -- Linda K. R. in California

----------

This is related by a recent emigre from the USSR, according to a recent issue of "World Press Review":

One cooollld winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?"
 
They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.

At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?"
 
They did, and the line was shortened again.

At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"

Once again, the line was considerably shortened.

At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!"

This included just about everybody.

Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told them,
"There isn't any meat."

The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"

 ----------