From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
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Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears a black leather jacket?
A: The Leader of the Plaque
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Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
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My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband quickly answered, "Election day."
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What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf? A subordinate Claus.
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What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A dependent Claus.
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Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful daughter for one night. What did the elves call his daughter after that? An incentive Claus.
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A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the guys gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.
The guy gets a kind of a blank stare and scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check."
He goes out to the truck. The window gets rolled down, and there's an animated conversation. Finally the guy comes back in.
"Yeah," he says, "I meant two-by-fours."
"OK," says the clerk, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh . . . I guess I better go check," he says.
He goes out to the truck, again. There's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office.
"A long time," he says, "we're building a house."
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"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race" --Bowie.
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From the San Jose Mercury News, Sunday 14 July 1985, page 23A, referring to arson investigations:
On highly publicized cases, it's not unusual for tips to arrive from all over the country. "People call in and tell us about one individual they don't like. They say, 'He's the type who could have done it.' A couple hundred of those and you're chasing people all over the country," Bressler said.
In one case, he was flooded with calls from "people back in the Midwest who knew people in California who were really weird."
It wasn't the kind of tip that led anywhere, he said. "Almost all of California's really weird compared to the Midwest."
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Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
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The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
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Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
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One of the most common mistakes is to believe that others know more about the problem than you do.
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Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
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