Monday, November 25, 2013

Life Humor 2.7

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys 100 copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.


During the last great war, the captain of a battleship was proceeding, slowly, (with/on his vessel), through the fog.  Up ahead they spot company on a collision course. Via radio, on the emergency channel, they contact the intruder.
"Veer to the LEFT" shouts the captain.
"No, you veer to the RIGHT" comes back the reply.
"I'm a captain and I order you to veer to the LEFT"
" I'm a seaman first class and I say veer to the RIGHT" came back the reply
"Sailor, you don't understand, I'm captain of this battleship, with a hell of a lot of firepower and if you don't veer to the LEFT we'll open fire"
"Sir, I'm in charge of this lighthouse here . . . . . . .


Fred walks into a psychiatrists office one day and says to the psychiatrist,
"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me.  It's really strange, sometimes I feel like a tepee."
The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.
So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two tents."


Bumper snicker:  Save Our Trees. Stop Printing Tax Forms !


"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx


Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.  Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect:

"Cannot come first night.  Will come second night if you have one."  Shaw promptly replied:  "Here are two tickets for the second night.  Bring a friend if you have one."


Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.


Broadcast blooper of the week heard on KABC radio:

"This program was brought to you by the Canadian Government Office of, Tourism"


On a bright spring morning, four high-school seniors decided to skip all their morning classes.  They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher a very long-winded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems they'd encountered in getting it fixed.

To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the story. She just smiled and said, "I'd like you to make up a test you missed this morning.  Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens."

When the boys were ready, the teacher said, "Each of you answer the following question:  Which tire was flat?


Here's a collection of Scientific and Futuristic graffiti:

Got Mole problems?  Call Avagadro: 6.02 x 10¡23.

Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.

Bumper sticker:  I'd rather be teleporting.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.

Your test tube wears combat boots!

Quasars shift red
Hot stars burn blue
Space is warped
And so are you.

Warning: Due to the robot shortage, some of our bartenders are human and will react unpredictably when insulted.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

Wernher van Braun settled for a V-2, when he could have had a V-8.


No comments: