Friday, September 20, 2013

Life Humor 2.2

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:


"Common sense is the most evenly distributed quality in the world.  Everyone thinks he has enough."
   Descartes, 1637


Fanatic: Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, re-doubles his efforts.

"If you can't get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!"

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.


What it would mean if it already didn't:

concrete - to swindle a resident of Crete
information - how the Blue Angels fly
federation - having given a ration of food to someone
gruesome - what Farmer Brown did to corn last year
founder - what the police did to a lost female
paradox - a brace of physicians
boycott - a bed for a young male person
encrypt - where Egyptian kings are buried


Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.


From a forthcoming book by Arthur Bloch, entitled 'Murphy's Son-In-Laws', come the following rules that appear to govern our lives:

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.

Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself - Historians merely repeat each other.

KI-MO-SA-BE:  (what Tonto calls his masked friend)
According to a Navaho translation it means:

1) A wet shirt on ones back or 2) A dirty rag on a bush.

So when Tonto says, "Lets go Kimosabe", he's really telling The Lone Ranger "It's time to wash your clothes".


A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.  It is reported that both crews have been marooned.


A man starts work as President of a company.  His predecessor tells him as he prepares to leave for the last time that when he gets into trouble that he has left three envelopes that will help but that they should be used one at a time.

Things go along okay for a while and then trouble pops up.  The guy opens the first envelope and reads, " Blame previous management."  He does and things go better for a while.

When things get bad again he opens the second envelope and reads, "Re-organize". This makes things better for a while, but sure enough he finds himself reaching for the third envelope. 
Inside he finds, " Prepare three envelopes"


From the Jan 22 Portland OR Oregonian - Some one-liners from Stephen Wright:

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
Some people are afraid of heights.  I'm afraid of widths.
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.


"Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water, its easier if it's frozen."


From this morning's LA Times:

 A 20-foot metal sculpture is missing, and San Jose officials fear it may have been destroyed by construction workers who did not recognize it as art.
 "I feel awful about it, just awful," said city redevelopment Director Frank Taylor.  "It was not a traditional piece of art, but it was a real nice piece."
 The sculpture stood on Market Street where the Fairmont Hotel is being built.
 Consuelo Santos-Killins, a California Arts Council member from San Jose, said construction workers may have placed it in a trash bin and "squished it to bits."


Subject: It's how you say it.

"The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.  They were just the first not to crash."


Subject: UFOs and the FAA

 "Why would we care about a U.F.O.?" said Louis Achitoff, a spokesman for the eastern region of the F.A.A., in an interview.  "If the pilot's up there with a clearance and at the right altitude, we don't care what planet he comes from."


My favorite reference book is "1001 Logical Laws, Accurate Axioms, Profound Principles, Trusty Truisms, Homey Homilies, Colorful Corollaries, Quotable Quotes, and Rambunctious Ruminations For All Walks of Life," by John Peers, who is also president of Logical Machine Corporation and the discoverer of Peers's Law, which is:  "The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem."  Although no book review could possibly do justice to this compendium of universal wisdom, a few brief excerpts are presented below.

The Gordian Maxim:  If a string has one end, it has another.

Kramer's Law:  You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Brewer's Observation:  No good deed goes unpunished.

Jacquin's Postulate:  No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Meade's Maxim:  Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.


COME AND EAT From Harpers New Monthly Magazine, September 1855:

There was a dry old fellow out in Jefferson County, in the state of Virginia who called one day on the member of Congress-elect.  The family were at breakfast, and the old man was not in a decent trim to be invited to set by; but he was hungry, and determined to get an invitation.

"What's the news?" inquired the congressman.

"Nothing much, but one of my neighbors gave his child such a queer name."

"Ah!  And what was that?"

"Why, Come and Eat."

The name was so peculiar that it was repeated.  "Come and Eat?"

"Yes, thank you," said the old man, "I don't care if I do," and drew up to the table.


Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.


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