Friday, September 13, 2013
Life Humor 1.U
From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
What did the ocean say to the sand?
It didn't say anything. It just waved.
What do you call eight rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards?
A receding hareline!
Once, I was in a room full of people when the power went out. Somebody shouted for everyone to raise their hands over their heads. Everyone did and the lights came back on. I said, "Hey buddy, how come the power came back when we all put our hands in the air?"
He said, "I thought everybody knew that many hands make light work."
The armed forces are a gold mine on aviation anecdotes. Have you heard this one? An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
Gladstone, the famous British politician of the 19th century, was once asked to define the difference between misfortune and calamity. "If Disraeli fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune," He replied, " if someone pulled him out, THAT would be a calamity."
Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck."
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury...
(The above record was published back in 1987. In 2013 a billion dollars was spent by the Federal government in the last three hours.)
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Be different. Act normal.
A brain surgeon has some trouble with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes out, works on the sink for about an hour and presents the surgeon with a bill for $200. The surgeon looks at the bill and says, "My God! You worked for only an hour and you're charging me $200. I'm a brain surgeon and I don't get $200 an hour!!". The plumber says, "When I was a brain surgeon I didn't get $200 an hour either."
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Bumper sticker: I'd rather be teleporting.