Life Humor 1.R

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

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There was a flood in this town and they had to evacuate the city.  A man is standing in water up to his knees and a rowboat comes along  and the people say "Can we give you a helping hand?"  The man in the water says "No thank you, I have faith in the Lord, He'll save me."

A little later on when the water is up to the man's waist, a motor boat comes along and the people say "Can we give you a helping hand?"  The man in the water says "No thank you, I have faith in the Lord, He'll save me."

A little later on when the water is up to his neck, a helicopter comes by and the people say "Can we give you a helping hand?"  The man in the water says "No thank you, I have faith in the Lord, He'll save me."

Well, finally the water goes over the man's head and he drowns.  He goes to heaven and sees God and he says to God "Lord, I had faith in you and I  drowned anyway.  What happened?"

And God said: "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

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A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered, terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!  Save us!  Save us! We're scared, Mother!"

Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat towering huge above them and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.  As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them purposefully and declared: "You see how useful it is to know a second language?"

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A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your circus; I have what I think is a pretty good act."  The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.  Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird imitations?"

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What's the difference between a Ukrainian fairy tale and a Soviet fairy tale?
A Ukrainian fairy tale begins, "a long time ago, beyond the forests over the mountains..."
A Soviet fairy tale begins, "Tass news agency reports...."

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 These are both old favorites of mine, and I hope they've not been submitted to this net too recently.
Woman walks into the divorce lawyer's office, and he begins to ask her some questions....

 "Ma'am, what are your grounds?"

 "Oh, 'bout an acre an' a half..."

 "No, I mean do you have a grudge?"

 "No, but we've got a carport..."

 "Lady, just tell me: why do you want a divorce?"

 "Why, total lack of communication, of course!"

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