Life Humor 1.Q

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft"
 A-flat miner.

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Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
 To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

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What's a wok?
 Something you thwow at a wabbit!

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  Old man LaFontaine was duck hunting with his new bird dog down in the Bayous of Louisiana. He was fortunate and brought down a large goose which landed in the middle of a small lake.

LaFontaine told the dog to go fetch and amazingly enough the dog ran pitty-pat, pitty-pat, pitty-pat on TOP of the water and brought back the game.

The man was just amazed and thought he was coming down with swamp fever or something equally bad until the dog did this wonderful feat several more times.

LaFontaine could not resist the chance to gloat over this marvelous dog and brought his friend Couvillion hunting with him the following weekend. Couvillion drilled a Mallard and sure enough, the dog went pity-pat, pitty-pat, pitty-pat across the water to fetch the game. Couvillion acted as though nothing odd had happened.

LaFontaine said "Didn't you notice anything the least bit strange about the way my dog fetched your game?"

"Yep!" answered Couvillion. "The dumb dog can't swim!"

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Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a saloon.  He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back to enjoy his refreshment.  Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting, "Run for your lives!  Big Mike's comin'!

The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door.  Suddenly, the bar doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull.  Grabbing the drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!"

The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar.  The drifter stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and smacked his lips with relish.

"Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.

"Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's comin'."

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A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.  One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer.  The husband was extremely dejected.  The strong man asked him what he was going to do.  The husband answered, "This is a disaster.  I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

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An engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke, goes to the bathroom, fills the garbage pail with water, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep.

A physicist wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke, grabs paper and pencil, does a page of calculations, goes to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, tosses it with great precision, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke, grabs paper and pencil, does four pages of calculations, exclaims "A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

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The house is empty except for the family dog.  The telephone rings.  The dog walks over to the phone, pushes the receiver off the hook with his paw, and says,  "WOOF!"

No response.  The dog waits a moment, and once again says,  "WOOF!"

Still no response.  The dog moves closer to the phone and says, "William.  Oscar.  Oscar.  Frederick."

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 A man walks into a bar with a dog.  He orders a drink and tells the bartender: "This here dog can TALK". The bartender says "Gad, I'm sick of you guys ... Get out!"

The man says: "Wait, wait ... Give me a chance, I'll prove it."
The bartender agrees to this, and the following exchange takes place:

Man (to dog):  "What does Sandpaper feel like?"
Dog:  "Ruff!"
Man (to bartender): "See? What did I tell ya!"
Bartender: "Get out."

Man: "Wait, give me another chance...."
Man (to dog): "What is on top of a house?"
Dog: "Ruff!"
Man: "See? He said a roof is on top of a house!"
Bartender: "Get out."

Man: "Wait, one more chance........"
Man (to dog): "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruff!"
Man: "See? He said Babe Ruth!!! I told you!!"

     With this, the bartender throws both the man and he dog out of the bar. As they are laying in the gutter outside, the dog looks at the man and says: "Do you think I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

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