Monday, June 17, 2013

Life Humor 1.M

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:


Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

 "Boss", he said,

"The pill actually worked !"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday ? "


Did you hear about the midget who was running away from the Prague Police?

He ran up to a house, knocked on the door and asked the woman who opened the door if she would cache a small Czech


One day a three-legged dog moseyed into Dodge City, Kansas. He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck and a snarl on his lips.

Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful community, we don't want no trouble."

To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my pa(w)!"


Q: What do you call a short psychic who escapes from prison?

A: A small medium at large.


Know why they don't let government workers look out the window in the morning?

So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!


Seems there was a barber in Chicago by the name of Joe Garibaldi. Joe loved to brag to his customers that he "knows everybody who's anybody." The walls of the shop are resplendent with autographed pictures of celebrities and notables.

One regular customer grows a little weary of hearing all the bragging, and decides to call Joe on it by telling him "I bet you 50 bucks you don't even know Sinatra!"

"Frankie?" sez Joe, "We were childhood buddies. For the price of the airfare, I'll take you to Vegas and prove it".

Being comfortable financially, the customer agrees to add the airfare to the bet, and they fly to Las Vegas and catch Frank's show. After the show, Joe takes the guy back to the dressing rooms, where Sinatra greets him warmly and has them both in for drinks. Back in Chicago, the customer is even more peeved at losing the bet, and determines to find some way to win it back.

One day he asks Joe if he knows Reagan. "Hell," sez Joe, "I got him into pictures." For the price of the airfare, I'll prove it to you." So off they go to D.C., where they join the daily tour of the White House. As they stroll through the East Wing, a door opens and old Ronnie steps out, surrounded by G-men. He spots Joe, pushes his way past the Secret Service guys, and embraces him like old times...

Back in Chicago again, the customer decides to have one last all-out attempt at retribution. "Hey, Joe," he says, "I'll bet you don't know the Pope ... heck, he ain't even Italian this time around!" "You betcha I do," sez Joe, "and for the price of the airfare, etc. etc."

They do indeed jet to the Vatican, and arrive at St. Peter's basilica during one of the large open-air masses the Pope conducts from a balcony. The piazza is packed with pilgrims, rosaries in hand, waiting for services to start. Joe and the customer are sandwiched between some sweet little old Italian senoras.

Joe turns to the customer and says "This is gonna be tough .. I don't think I can get us both into the chambers before Mass starts, but I'll tell you what. You keep an eye on that balcony up there, 'cuz that's where the Pope says Mass from. I'm going inside to meet him, and then I'll be back."

With that, Joe elbows his way off into the crowd. Left alone, the customer soon sees a small figure appear at the balcony and begin the ceremony. Soon, a second figure joins him, and they turn and hug each other warmly.

Pondering all this, the customer speculates that:

(1) he is so far away he can't really make out either of them and
(2) Joe has won so much money from him that he could conceivably stage the whole thing.

With that in mind, he nudges the little old lady next to him, who looks up from her rosary. "Excuse me, senora, but can you tell me, is that REALLY the Pope up there?"

The old woman squints hard in the direction of the balcony, and responds "I'm-a not sure, but the other fella with him is-a Joe Garibaldi!"


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