Friday, May 24, 2013

Life Humor 1.I

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:


Two students are piloting a plane, when they discover that they must make an emergency landing.  Luckily enough, there is a nearby (unused) airstrip, so they decide to land there.

As they fly over it, one says, "that's an awfully short runway; I don't know if we can land on it."  The other points out that there's no choice, so they have to try.

They bring the plane in as slowly as possible, touching wheels right at the beginning of the runway, and immediately hit the brakes.  The plane slides to a halt with the front wheels hanging off the runway's end.

One student turns to the other and says, "We made it, but this is the *SHORTEST* runway I've ever seen."  The other says,  "Yeah, but it must be at least two miles *wide*."


During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel.  In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging,

"I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"

Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
"But why?" a bystander asked.

"Because," the manager replied "I hate ... chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"


Once upon a time there was a man who owned a pen that he cherished. He would use this pen at any available opportunity. He loved having to sign his name because it gave him a chance to use his pen. If he had nothing to do he would always be found doodling with his pen. He kept it for years and years and used it often.

Sadly, one day it ran out of ink and there was no way to refill it. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away. He wanted to find some way that he could still get some kind of use out of it. He came upon a brilliant idea. He had the pen melted down into the shape of an urn so that when he died his ashes could be placed inside the urn and thus he could spend eternity with his pen.

The moral of the story?.........

A Pen He Saved is a Pen He Urned


Soviet Premier Brezchnev is visiting France.  They show him Versailles, they show him the Louvre, they show him Notre Dame. He is not really impressed.  Finally they show him the Eiffel Tower.  "What do you think of that?"  Ho ho!  He looks up, thinks for a moment, and says, "There are nine million people in Paris."


"Do you think one watchtower is enough?"


 A rabbit was out hopping one day when he came across a bottle.  Nudged it a bit and the cork fell off.  A genie floated out.  "You get one wish for opening the bottle"  (A cheap genie, must have been cutbacks that year.)  The rabbit thought a bit and said "I've always enjoyed music."  (A cultured rabbit.)

 "Could you make be a piano for a symphony?"

 So this become a case of "Hare today, grand tomorrow."


Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.


 Instructions on a package of fresh tortellini: "... boil for 8 minuets ...".  Dance While You Cook!

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