Henry Cate Life Humor 1.5

From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:

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     You know you're in a small town.....

- when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.

- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.

- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you

- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.

- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.

- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

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At one point, the council of cardinals decided that they wanted to make Rome an all-Catholic city.  Since the Jews were one of the smallest populations, they decided to try throwing them out as a test case. The head rabbi was summoned and told of this decision.  The rabbi protested, saying that the Jews had been there longer than the Christians, and that such an arbitrary decision should not be made without some debate. Thus, it was agreed that the Pope would debate one of the rabbi's.  If the rabbi won, the Jews could stay.  If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The head rabbi went back to the rabbinical council and said that a champion must be chosen.  No one was too eager, as the Pope was well known as an intellectual and religious heavyweight.  Finally, a Basque rabbi was chosen.  As Basque was one of the few languages that the Pope didn't speak (this was before Hebrew was revived), the debate was to be  carried out in sign language.
[Hand gestures must be made by joke teller.]
The Pope starts off the debate by making a sweeping gesture.
[Hands and arms in at chest; hands move up and out until arms in scarecrow position; could be mistaken as symbolism for a rising sun.]
The rabbi responds by pointing adamantly at the ground.
The Pope thinks a bit, then holds up three fingers.
The rabbi holds up one finger.
The Pope begins to take communion.
The rabbi pulls out an apple and begins eating it.
At this point, the Pope concedes the debate.
The Pope returns to the council of cardinals, who ask what happened.
[Begin repeating gestures.]
"Well, I said, 'God is everywhere', and he said, 'and God is right here'. I then said 'God is a trinity', and he said, 'no, God is just one'. As an act of good faith, I began to take the body of Christ in communion. Then he pulled out an apple to show the sin in us all.  He'd knocked me down point for point, so I decided to concede the debate."
The rabbi returns to his fellows, who ask what happened.
[Repeat gestures again.]
"Well, he said, 'you all gotta leave', and I said, 'no, we're staying right here'.  Then he said 'you have three days', and I said, 'not one of us is leaving'.  Then he broke for lunch, so I started eating mine."

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I heard a much better version of this joke.  It involved POWs in a German war camp.  They were subjected to unusual tortures.  One day they were forced to lean right and left, saying TICK and TOCK each time.  One prisoner refused to cooperate, and kept jerking right, saying TICK repeatedly.  So the commander came over saying, "Zo, you refuzes to co-OPERate.  Vell, I must VARN you, ve haf VAYS of making you TOCK!"

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It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing.  Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing.  The weather was just beautiful.
He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days.  He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.
He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted that ball with his wood.  It was a beautiful shot!  It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one!  The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting alleluias.
He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven.  St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity.  "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker.  He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing.  And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?"
God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation.  God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

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God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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A traveling salesman once stopped along a deserted stretch of road at a monastery.  He was hungry and a sign outside the monastery read "Friday Night -- Fish and Chips Dinner".  Since it was Friday night and since he was hungry, he went in to try the food.
When he went in, he found that many others were there also.  This monastery had quite a reputation for its excellent fish and chips. Well, very soon the meal was brought out and put before him.  He began to eat and was quickly amazed at how great the food was.  He devoured his meal in minutes and then ordered more.
After he was finally through, he asked the waiter if he could meet the cook.  The salesman had to thank him for such an excellent meal.  The waiter agreed, and led the man into the kitchen and introduced him to the cook.  The salesman began to commend the cook's great ability to cook fish and chips, when the cook interrupted.  "Wait a minute, wait a minute.  I am only the fish friar.  The chip monk is over there."