From the
Henry Cate Life Humor collection:
A set of really bad puns:
----------
So there were these three "strings" that were really great buddies. They did everything together. One day they were walking down the street when they happened upon a bar. All being rather thirsty, they decided to go in and have a cool one. Well, just as they were about to walk in the door, they noticed a sign in the window that said, "NO STRINGS SERVED HERE!". Needless to say they were a bit upset by this.
But, the first string, being rather bold, said to his friends, "You guys wait here, and I'll go in and `feel' the place out and if it's OK I'll come out and get you, K?" This seemed like a good plan so they all agreed. The first string went in and sat down at the bar. As soon as he got there, the bartender noticed him and came over. The bartender said to the first string, "Say, your a string, aren't you?" To which the first string replied, "Wellll, yes..". In a very loud voice the bartender said, "YOU GET OUT OF HERE, we don't serve your kind in here!!!!". So the first string went back outside to talk to his friends and tell them of his experience.
After hearing the story the second string says, "Well, obviously you just weren't forceful enough in there." Standing up straight and tall, the second string walks into the bar, sits down at the counter and says, "Hey, bartender, how 'bout gettn' me a beer?". The bartender came over, looked the second string up and down, and said, "Hey, buddy, we don't serve your kind in here. Get out-a here!!". So the second string left the bar and went outside and told his two friends what had happened.
After hearing the story, the third string said, "Well, you need to be cool about the whole thing, just watch this...". The third string pulled a little comb out of his pocket, combed the little tuft on the top of his knot, and walked in. He sashayed up to the bar and said, "Say, bartender, I'd like a beer, please." The bartender came over, looked at the third string and said, "Hey, wait a minute, your a string aren't you?" To which the third string replied,
"Oh no, I'm afraid not!" (or a frayed knot!!)
-----------
It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide. The second also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.
I guess *THIS* shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
-----------
A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kingdom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful.
Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind of thing) to fetch it.
The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king's castle.
The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!
The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall.
When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle.
Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.)
After having walked half the night with the heavy throne between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself, let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was "hid" in the farmer's attic.
Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed the pages.
The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer and his wife.
Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
---------
When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as follows:
king: Where is the throne?
count: I cannot tell you.
king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his
head!
count: (as the axe is swinging down...)
Ok! I will tell you!
THWACK!!!
Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
-----------
Our Hero was traveling through the mountains on his quest for the Holy Grail, when a fierce storm blew up and his steed caught some horsey sickness. He hied to a monastery, and asked the abbot for a replacement, citing their loyalty to God. It was the winter season, and nightfall was approaching as they looked through the stables. All of the other horses were sneezing a coughing also, until they came to a stable, where a large shaggy dog story(oops) resided. The knight asked for him, to which the abbot replied, "Oh, no, it is still stormy and getting dark. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
-----------
An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, the players and their entourages retire to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.
In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player. The argument gets loud, each player claiming that he is the greatest chess player of all time.
One security guard in the lobby turns to the other and says:
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
-----------
Buster Crab and Sam Clam were the best of friends for years, and every evening one could find Buster in Sam's bar down by the beach. Finally, Buster passed on and went to heaven. There, he was a model citizen, but he longed for the companionship of his pal, Sam.
So the next Christmas, Buster was approached by God who asked him why he wasn't happy. Buster explained that although heaven was a pretty nice place and the halo and wings were real swell, he missed Sam and wished he could go back and spend just one more night in his bar by the beach.
God recalled how good Buster had been, and told him that he could spend New Year's with Sam in his bar. "However," God cautioned, "things have changed since you were there last. In order to keep up with the times, Sam has converted his place to a disco. Still, if you wish, you may spend New Year's eve with your old buddy, but be sure not to drink and take good care of your wings, harp and halo."
Buster was ecstatic and spend the next week practicing his chops on the harp and polishing his halo. Then the big evening arrived and poof! There he was beside Sam in his disco. Well, they had a great time talking of old times and dancing and singing and playing. After a while, the temptation to have a drink proved too great for Buster, and he imbibed. So did the rest of the party and the night got progressively wilder until morning found everyone sleeping it off on the furniture and floors of the disco.
His time up, Buster was transported poof! back to heaven. God saw him, bleary eyed, halo dented and slipping off to one side, wings in disarray, and well, you get the picture. God gives him an ice bag and asks what happened. "Buster! You've been at the bottle, haven't you? Look at you wings! Look at that halo! And where is you golden harp?" To which Buster replies,
"I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco." (better sung)
-----------
Isaac Asimov did this one best; the story concerns a man, Mr. Stein, who robs a bank, jumps into a time machine, and re-emerges seven years later (after the statute of limitations has expired). They arrest him anyway, but the judge's verdict is
"A niche in time saves Stein."
-----------
There was once a young man who was very fond of illicit vegetable matter that is commonly smoked to get high. Anyway, one day, while he was cleaning his stash of extremely potent stuff ( high oil content) he was called to the phone. His friend, who had already consumed a great portion of the matter thought he would help out in the cleaning.
Unfortunately, he was new to the game so he tried to separate the stems and seeds by cleaning the pot with a soap solution. Needless to say, when the hero of our story returned from the phone he was extremely upset, to say the least. However, he didn't have time to cry since the phone call informed him that his wife's car had broken down and he had to go out to help her fix it. He scooped up the messy bag of soapy resinous cannabis and drove out to the broken down car. When he arrived he immediately realized that the car had run out of oil. Unfortunately, he didn't have any oil, but he did have the bag of greasy marijuana. He put the wet pot into the cars engine and started up the car. It ran fine until it exploded a quarter mile down the road.
There is a moral. You know what it is?
- A washed pot never oils.
-----------
A philanthropist decides to donate his prize dolphins to the local zoo. Upon making his donation, he reveals that the dolphins can be kept alive indefinitely by feeding them live myna birds. The zoo, not happy with the prospect of depleting their myna bird collection, decides to send an expedition to Africa to pick up some of the birds.
The bird seekers land their helicopter in a large clearing in the middle of the jungle, and go off to seek their prey. They search all the trees, the myna bird bars, the bird baths; in short, all the places myna birds hang out. When they get back to the clearing, they discover that a pride of lions has taken up residence there. As the lions all appear very sleepy, they decide to tiptoe their way back to the safety of their helicopter. But, alas, when they get back to the helicopter, the game warden pops out and writes them a citation for
"Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
-----------
An explorer on safari through Africa discovers a magnificently plumed bird known as a Raree. The bird is near death from exhaustion and starvation brought about by a combination of poachers and climatic changes which have turned its once-friendly environment into a death-trap. The bird is uncharacteristically docile, and does not flee from the explorer when he approaches it. The explorer had believed the Raree birds were an extinct species; and so to save the creature from an environment which has become hostile, and to preserve the species, he brings it back with him to the United States.
Proper feeding and warmth bring the bird around to its normal behavior. Far from being docile, the Raree bird reverts to being a pain in the ass. It tears open the refrigerator with its beak and rummages around for food. It overturns garbage cans and rummages around for food. Its instinctive loudness and viciousness reassert themselves, and the explorer finds himself gradually losing his mind. He decides to do away with the Raree, figuring that if nature had wanted the species to survive, it would have given the birds better survival skills.
He loads the Raree into a pickup truck and drives to a high cliff. He has put drugs into the bird's morning feed so it is docile. He binds its wings and hauls it over to the edge of a 300-foot-high cliff overlooking the ocean. The bird opens its eyes, looks down, and says to the explorer:
"It's a long way to tip a Raree."
No comments:
Post a Comment