A comment was posted on the last Carnival of Homeschooling asking if we support "the rod?"
I'm not exactly sure what that means. It is not a phrase used in my vocabulary.
In my childhood, I was swatted by my parents maybe three times. It probably wasn't very productive, but it did no lasting harm. Because my own experience with spanking is so benign, this is not a "hot" topic for our family.
As an inexperienced parent, I have given a swat to a defiant child. I didn't find it very helpful either. That is one of the reason we don't spank. However, I don't necessarily rule it out as an appropriate parental response.
Some years ago, I had the following experience at a gathering with a few families and children. Two homeschool families in particular stick out in my mind. Family A's children were whiny and disruptive. In contrast, the children in Family B were well mannered and sat quietly during the program. I pulled the mother of Family B aside, motioning to here quietly sitting children and asked about her parenting technique. She smiled at me and said, "We spank them." [This is a direct quote.]
I've been in the home of Family B many times. They were and are very loving parents. Their home is a happy and cheerful place. I've never seen them spank their children. I believe that spanking was something they used rarely. But, they were not afraid to let their kids know who was in charge and that certain behavior wouldn't be tolerated. These children have turned out wonderfully. I would NOT characterize their home as abusive or their parenting style as harmful.
As a side note, Family A's children are turning out rather well too. So, maybe in the end, it didn't matter whether they spanked or not.
I don't personally know anyone who has harmed or killed a child as a result of a physical punishment. I don't believe such behavior is motivated by a rational process, but is more likely the result of mental and emotional instability. For a few, abuse is a result of "personality disorder" which is a psychobabble way of say they are just plain "evil." Evil people are going to do bad things to children because that is what evil people do. Books or boycotts aren't going to change the behavior of that type of person.
People who abuse children as a result of their mental and emotional instability are easily swept along with the latest fad or persuasive argument. Maybe, what they read will effect their behavior. This is where a little finesse comes in handy. There is a big difference between giving your kid a swat on the behind and child abuse. Insinuating that they are one and the same diminishes credibility. Most people are turned off by such emotional comments or other dramatic rants. Such things are down right annoying and rather insulting. No one is motivated to change by misrepresentation, exageration or words that attack and demean.
I admit that I also dislike candlelight vigils, walk outs, protest marches, and other events were some group thinks it is ok to name call anyone who disagrees with them. I do respect personal boycotts. There's an Indian restaurant that we no longer go to because the owner was convicted of importing slave labor from India. We don't eat at that restaurant because we don't want to finacially support him.
Now back to the original question. Do we support "the rod?" That all depends on what the "rod" means to you.
Do I worry that someone is going to harm their child because they read our blog, which promotes the Carnival of Homeschooling, that linkes to a blog post, that is hosted by a blogger site, that advertises a book; and, that after seeing an advertisement or reading a blog post someone will be diabolically tricked into ordering the book, following its advice to the point they are inexplicably transformed from loving parents into child abusers?
No, I don't worry about that at all.
----------
Technorati tags: spanking, discipline, child abuse, Pearls, the rod, Carnival of Homeschooling
8 comments:
I would like to think that we are like Family B. Now my kids are all little so a certain amount of chaos is promised no matter how good they are being;). You used a line "So, maybe in the end, it didn't matter whether they spanked or not." That may be totally true but whose house do you think was more enjoyable when all the kids were still there;).
It was definately more pleasant to hang out with Family B. The mother of Family B also does not have near the housework load as the mother of Family A. Mother B has trained her kids to do most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry,
Bravo! You have earned the respect of this non-spanker, non-Pearl-advocate, non-boycott-supporter. Thank you for being the voice of reason.
Thank you. I really struggled with how to say what I wanted to say and not be (too) snide.
Very well said Janine. I agree with you and "abuse" is being thrown around so much as to be completely meaningless. Are we going to remove every child from the home who has ever had a swat to the back of the hand for any reason whatsoever? Shall I lose mine for spanking my son the day he ran for the road?
Or shall we classify as abusive those parents who provide absolutely no guidance, direction or instruction, preferring to let the child discover his own natural inclinations? By our state's laws, that too is technically classified as abuse, although it doesn't make headlines. I used to work with a man who was raised as such, and he almost killed our manager because he just could not handle anyone having authority over him and she told him what to do one to many times. He threw a french fry basket, and at the last second chose to throw it at the wall instead of at her. He put a hole in a walk-in freezer. Not that I am saying all children raised by that general philosophy turn out that way, but somewhere, somehow a child needs to learn some self-control.
Keep up the good work on the carnval. Having a carnival and a country fair is not going to hurt anyone out there in the blogosphere.
The more carnivals about homeschooling the better. It is great that homeschooling is becoming so popular.
I agree entirely that it is abusive to fail to provide good (or any) moral guidance to children, but these are, of course, not the only alternatives to spanking, and the problem with spanking is that it appears to be completely incommensurate with actually providing a good moral education.
Why would this be so? Well there is much to be argued for in support of the moral precept of only using physical violence as a means of very last resort. Given that there are an enormous number of families who raise children successfully without ever spanking them, if one is to accept the principle of using violence as a means of last resort, the argument for spanking children cannot be justified.
I would argue that it becomes a more difficult task for children to understand moral principles if they see that their much beloved parents do not themselves enact them.
That is fine and discussion is great. I have never said spanking is necessary and that there are not alternatives. I would never recommend spanking to anyone for any reason. Goodness, I use to teach parenting skills to foster parents working with severe behaviors and spanking was not an option. But that does not make every swat abuse and every parent who chooses to spank as one of their consequences a child abuser to be villified.
I never said that no guidance was the only alternative to spanking...I offered that as the extreme opposite. It is not rational to classify everyone who uses time out and other non-spanking related consequences with those parents who set no boundaries and allow their children to do whatever they wish. It is equally irrational to classify someone who uses "the occasional infliction of pain" among other teaching tools alongside Lynn Paddock.
There may be a whole host of "better" alternatives for any given situation and it is true that many have a difficult time seeing any alternative but spanking. But that is not the issue. The carnival wasn't boycotted because some people felt that perhaps LindaFay should try a time out. They feel she is a child abuser...a serious charge with serious consequences. The only logical conclusion is that the state should be called and her children should be removed from the home...thank goodness she lives in Turkey. We can discuss all day positive parenting techniques and provide discussion of alternatives to spanking. But that does not make everyone who spannks some sort of horrific monster unfit to parent and unfit for polite conversation.
Anyway, thank you Janine and Henry for your wonderful carnival and I agree that multiple carnivals are ultimately good. As the blogosphere grows it only makes sense that carnivals around specific topics would develop. I'd love to have a PA specific one...if there weren't all of seven of us : )
Post a Comment