From the Henry Cate Life Humor collection:----------
The GILROY GARLIC DIET: eat anything you want, plus a pound of garlic each day. You won't lose any weight, but no one will get close enough to notice.
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"Right-handed people think with the left side of their brains; left-handed people think with the right side of their brains. Therefore left-handed people are the only ones operating in their right minds."
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From yesterday's Chron:
"The structures threatened by the fire had included List's family ranch and the homes of Nevada Attorney General Richard Bryan, Manchester, N.H., Union Leader Publisher [capitalization theirs] William Loeb and several millionaire ranchers, developers and social parasites."
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US vs Japan
"There are many reasons why the United States finds itself playing second fiddle to Japan today in so many high-technology areas where American pre-eminence was once unquestioned. Some of the reasons are complex, but one can be put in a statistical nutshell:
Out of every 10,000 Americans, 20 are lawyers, 40 are accountants, and 70 are engineers. Out of every 10,000 Japanese, one is a lawyer, three are accountants -- and 400 are engineers."
July's Optical Spectrum
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Real Headlines
[Courtesy of "The Lower case" page of the Columbia Journalism Review.]
Gov. Brown gives in; orders spaying to end fly infestation
-- LEDGER, Glendale, Calif 7/11/81
19 Feet Broken in Pole Vault
-- WICHITA EAGLE-BEACON, Kan. 6/21/81
'Mild' fertility drug produces quadruplets in 3 minutes
-- NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe 6/14/81
Therapist Is Needed by Ann Landers
-- Gaithersburg, Md. GAZETTE 6/18/81
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
-- Baltimore SUN 6/13/81
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From the November/December, 1981 issue of the Columbia Journalism Review's department "The Lower Case"
Navy Finds Dead Pilots Flying With Hangovers
[The Washington Post 9/18/81]
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
[Los Angeles Times 8/10/81]
Guyer's widow rules out plans to replace him
[The Plain Dealer (Cleveland) 4/28/81]
White House Kills Fund Raiser After Complaints About Tactics
Newsday 3/19/81
SHUTTLE PASSES TEST; A WORKER IS KILLED
The New York Times 3/20/81
Defendant's speech ends in long sentence
Minneapolis Tribune 2/25/81
Museums utilizing TV to attack visitors
Fort Worth Star-Telegram 1/7/81
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Caption on a picture in an article about wildlife photos:
BLACK BEAR The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
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Here are some items adapted from the amusing British "Book of Heroic Failures" by Stephen Pile:
THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
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Three friends planned trips to Africa but were unable to go at the same time. The first chap returned from his safari and reported that he'd passed through a clearing and had seen Tarzan. Tarzan was painting white stripes on black zebras, black stripes on white zebras and black and white stripes on plain zebras. The second chap returned from his safari and reported that Tarzan was still doing the same thing. The third chap went on his trip, walked through the clearing, and there was Tarzan, still painting zebras. He stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" The reply: "Tarzan stripes forever."
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I have a friend who was driving in his car with his five year old daughter, Sarah, when he was involved in a minor traffic accident. As he got out of the car, Sarah asked where he was going. He replied that he was going to exchange names with the driver of the other car. When he came back, Sarah asked with a worried voice, "What's your name now, Daddy?"
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"Model Railroaders are a little loco."
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Definitions of the Sciences
1) If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
2) If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3) If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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Love may make the world go 'round, but inertia keeps it from stopping.
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My keyboard generated this of its own Accord. Afterwards it Buick down Saabing. Probably needs more LUV and car.
(apparently, sung to (?), the tune of the theme from "Mr. Ed")
A Porsche is a Porsche,
Of course, of course,
And no one would ride
With a talking Porsche,
That is, of course,
Unless the Porsche
Is the famous Doctor Porsche!
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Intellectuals of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains!
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A couple of weeks ago, on the steps of Boston City Hall, I heard a couple of fellows calling out: "Generic stickers, 50 cents! Generic stickers, 50 cents!" Sure enough, they had a supply of stickers, white background, black block letters: "GENERIC STICKER".
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I held technical talks with my 14-year-old nephew, who is heavy into programming games on his IBM personal computer. I tried to impress him with how superior the XEROX programming environment is, but he shot back: "Heck, the only programming environment I need is a pile of chocolate-chip cookies and a glass of milk!"
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Astronomers at Cal Tech, using the 200-inch Mount Palomar telescope, have sighted the economic recovery just beyond the orbit of the planet Saturn. The recovery, which passes periodically through the solar system, will not be visible to the naked eye until 2017. (This was updated.)
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